i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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