so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Randomize
