oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
bring money and cleavage
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Randomize
