You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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