We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
