You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
