Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
My pussy is not your playground.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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