if i can run in heels then i can drive
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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