so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
