Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
