Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
