Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
