woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
