This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
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