i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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