my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
