I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Acid is not a monday night drug
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
