She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
