Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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