I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
