I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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