so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
