If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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