Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Rumble strips road head = magical
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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