WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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