I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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