Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
