look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
