based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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