You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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