he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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