I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
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I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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