You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
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