I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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