On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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