Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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