Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
