well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
