I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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