She is in my trunk
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
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so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
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We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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