I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Randomize
