I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
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