The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
