the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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