I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
