can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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