yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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