btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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