Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
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