Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
