i will never coherently bang her
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
