You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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