Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
