You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
