I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
